Monday, January 15

The other day I was doing a mental exercise that entailed trying to keep a visualization in my mind for one pure minute. Pure, meaning that during that minute, I would be so focused and so immersed in that good thing, that I would only feel the light of it, with no doubts bubbling up, no inner voices contributing opposition, no feelings of undeserving, just pure, focused, visualization. 
I couldn't do it.
I tried doing it in 17 second increments and had a hard time with that too.
In fact, I could only make it to about 10 before the limiting thoughts would sneak in without invitation. 

"Yeah right, that's not going to happen. Not to you."

As I practiced, it continually felt like I was ramming up against walls of subconscious unbelief in myself. I tried to give myself grace. My brain was not used to exercising this part of itself, after all. I was flexing a new muscle; reversing years of thought patterns. But I couldn't help but feel frustrated about continually feeling unworthy of the thing I was trying to visualize. We see our adult selves and interpret our adult reality through the set of lenses we were given as children. And those lenses presented themselves as STOP signs in my mind, popping up, and halting this new belief in its tracks.

"Yeah right, that's not going to happen. Not to you."

Then a few days later, quite synchronistically, I was pointed in the direction of what pretty much felt like a conduit of light straight from the heavens above. Through a beautiful, and thoughtfully written instagram post about embracing our ability to receive, I was given my answer. The one word that would be my guide in breaking down those childhood beliefs. In clearing and strengthening my mind. In writing a new rulebook.

Receive, receive, receive.

It sounded so easy and so so hard.

That afternoon I left my house for a massage appointment. This massage had been given to me as a birthday gift over a year ago, and I had waited for the impending expiration date to force my hand into booking it. And then I went ahead and rescheduled it once more just for good measure. Pushing it off, pushing it away, not creating an opening for its goodness. The metaphor was not lost on me.

When I got there, I comfortably situated myself on the massage table, closed my eyes and promised myself that I would stay present. And I did. Until I didn't. I thought about the errands I needed to run afterwards. I thought about my job. I analyzed things that I had said. I remembered a birthday party that was the next day. And then out of nowhere it struck me again.


Receive, receive, receive. 

And I was brought back to my body. I attempted to open. I allowed my calf muscles to receive. The arch of my foot to receive. The knots in my shoulders to receive. My palms to receive. The base of my spine to receive. I was THERE for it. And my gratitude for that moment quadrupled instantaneously. 

I went home and wrote this down:


I am receiving. I am opening my mind and my heart to receiving inspiration, love and personal power.
I am receiving the abundance that I am already surrounded with.
I am receiving the assistance and care that is sent to me through outside sources. 
I am receiving care and love from myself and for myself.
I am receiving inspiration from my personal connection with God.
I am receiving pleasure and power in my body.
I am receiving all the love and adoration from my husband.
I am receiving wealth and prosperity and freedom.
I am receiving the abundance that is meant for me with ease and effortlessness, happiness and gratitude.

That night I came across a teaser preview for this new movie that's coming out. This preview shows imagery of a modern-day, overworked, sleep-deprived mother who has two kids and a newborn, and knows that sometimes you need to serve frozen pizza for dinner. But this is not the point. At the end of the preview, her doorbell rings, and with circles under her eyes, she is met by a kind and warm woman who says this: "Hi. I'm Tully. I'm here to take care of you."

And this may sound strange that I'm bringing this up, but it struck me so forcefully. And in a way that has nothing to do with the actual movie. 

I thought, wouldn't it be the nicest thing in the entire world to hear those words?? 
Not, "What do you need help with?" 
Not, "I'm here to help." 
But, "Hi. I'm here to take care of you."

I decided right then that I was going to hear that phrase in my life, and I was going to hear it every single day. I decided that I was going to experience love and gratitude and friendship in this way. And that I would start by receiving it from myself, for myself. 

I practiced with my body first. That night, before getting in the shower, I mentally created this intention: "I am here to take care of you, and I am here to receive."

I washed my arms and hands with gratitude for lifting and writing and touching and being my connection to the world. I washed my abdomen with gratitude for expanding and retracting twice over while carrying my children. I washed my legs and feet with gratitude for carrying me and grounding me and allowing me to walk and run and play. I washed my hair with gratitude for being a growing, living, means of expression. 

The next morning I woke up early. Too early. Isla was coughing and needed some medicine. As I laid back down and tried to sleep, a flood of thoughts came to my brain. I tried to shove them away, but they kept pouring in, waking me up even further. Then I stopped myself. I stopped trying to shove away what I didn't want, and began to receive what I did want. Receive sleep, receive rest, receive my ability to renew. I fell back asleep with little resistance.

Several hours later, I practiced with my workout. "I am here to take care of you, and I am here to receive." The intention flowed through every lift, every pull, every last set and rep. I felt strong and grateful. Then I went into the kitchen. "I am here to take care of you, and I am here to receive." I cut the vegetables without feeling like it was inconvenient or a waste of my limited morning time. I made the tea. I cracked the eggs. And then sat at my plate, and received. 

As I continued with the rest of my routine, and began to prepare for my morning visualization practice, I suddenly realized that I had, in one night and one morning, set in motion a new reality and state of being, an extremely high-frequency of gratitude, and created for myself a seat at the table of abundance, where I do, despite what I have believed about myself previously, belong. In that seat, I can and I am. 

I began to practice the visualization again, but this time with RECEIVE as an ever-present intention. Seventeen seconds passed. Thirty-four. Fifty-one. Sixty-eight. And I opened my eyes with shock. I had been strong enough. My mind had not wavered. And I had believed, for one pure minute, that I am worthy of receiving. 

It's a good start. 


Sophie, Poland:) said...

Hi Sydney, thank you for a beautiful post. I've had a problem with receiving since I remember:/ "Feeling unworthy" to receive what's the best is the core of the problem, I guess. I've always felt I need to give the best of myself, but I haven't felt good with the fact that others sacrifice something for me.
Constant worrying and thinking about the nearest future, responsibilities, and job instead of just enjoying life is also something I've been striving with. I am happy that recently I've started to realize that and I'm deeply thankful for your post - it reminded me that the ability to receive is also a 'skill":), very helpful one:) Don't get me wrong - I really appreciate my life, but I could worry a little bit less - the ability to RECEIVE is what could make it easier. Thank you :)

Emmy said...

I absolutely love this post. I believe in the power of gratitude and happiness and everything about this made me day! Thoughts become things!

DeeDee said...

So beautiful! Loved every word, felt every word!
These words fill me with resolve to Receive more too!
Thank you, Sydney, for your light!

Unknown said...

Thank you so much for sharing this, I just love your writing. I've been in a similar state of working toward better self-practices of gratitude and manifesting in this new year but have come across some mental blocks as well. "Receive" seems like a perfect word of the year for what I've been struggling to focus on directly. Thinking receiving thoughts for you and please keep us posted on your experience with it!

Jessica Broyles said...

You are so graceful with words. I'm motivated!

Kelly Herzberg said...

Oh my goodness!! I love this so much. Thank you!

Unknown said...

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Chichi said...

this is such a great post, loved it! going to try the visualization now!

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