Friday, January 4

And a very large picture of my face. Care to inspect my receding hairline?

I feel myself changing. Questioning. Discovering. Coming into my own. But slowly. IT'S SO PAINFULLY SLOW. I hate the phrase "finding yourself". It's so grossly cliche and illusive. But as annoying as it is, that's the hand of cards this last year seemed to have dealt me. It felt as if it came all at once. As if the questions and the self-discovery and internal push and pull of my early twenties was finally catching up with my "older" roles as wife and mother. I felt out of order. And I felt uncomfortable. A lot of times I had no idea how to blog through it. I wished I could revert back to the state of mind I was in when I started this blog. But not even that. {Oh how some of my old posts make me CRINGE} I wished that I could go back to the way I felt when I was coming to this space every day. It was easy. I knew my purpose. I felt comfortable in my skin. And the words just came out. This THING, self-discovery, finding yourself, whatever you wanna call it, has made me want to pull inward. I crave observance. I crave quiet, anonymous living. I want to bury myself in a little proverbial cocoon and only come out when I've become exactly who I want to be, down to the deliberately chosen color of the very smallest spot on my silly butterfly wings.

With as much push and pull as I've felt on the inside, equally matched are my feelings of happiness in this life that I've created for myself with my husband. And I like to focus on that, here, with all of you. But sometimes I come up empty-handed. And all I can feel is boiling change underneath the surface. What do you say when that happens? What words are there when you don't feel resolved? It's a job for a writer and a writer I am not. But passing it by doesn't seem fair to this time in my life. If there's documentation of anything, shouldn't it be a documentation of discovery? Of personal evolution?

I want 2013 to feel different. The questions and emotional stretching that come can scare me, but I need the challenge. I like how I feel when I come to a resolution ... when I listen to myself. I like who I am starting to become even though moving through it can feel like a real mess sometimes. I am in the thick of it. But maybe 2013 will be the year for writing the things I don't know how to write. For being more open and authentic. For getting comfortable in the uncomfortable.

Blogging is the weirdest sometimes.


Pamala said...

I've been feeling this exact way lately. Birthdays always seem to make me reflect even more so... Moving to a new city that we know no one in adds to it (as you obviously know). Keep your head up. :)

Amie said...

This is legit. Nothing like realizing...oh I'm an adult now, when did that happen...and then wait I'm 30? huh? hahaha!! It only gets better, not to worry!

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Chealsey walton said...

well said! gorgeous photo!!

Lauren said...

I related so much to this post, especially as a mom who decided to have kids in her young 20's. This year especially, I've really been feeling this question of who am I and am I happy with what my life has become. The short answer is yes, ridiculously thankful, but the longer one is still hard to pin down. Know that others (me) are working through the questions too. Here's a quote I read recently that I love. Enjoy this journey.

"But I want first of all — in fact, as an end to these other desires — to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact — to borrow from the language of the saints — to live ‘in grace’ as much of the time as possible.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

Gathering My Os said...

I love having the chance to find yourself as an adult. I feel like you find yourself all over again every year and it feels amazing every time.

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