pep talk

Tuesday, November 17

Sometimes. Not very often, but sometimes, if Isla skips her second nap, both of my children are in bed, asleep by 6:30 p.m.

Isla won't actually STAY asleep. ha! Heavens no. (Does your nursing one-year-old sleep through the night? Really? Wow. I don't want to hear about it.) But until she's ready to nurse again, for a few hours, or one, I have this moment of glee. And panic. And weirdness. And I roll through a giant list in my mind of all the things that I could possibly do right then. The thought of a shower crosses my mind, but even that seems too productive when a moment of NOTHING is presenting itself to me. So I sit. On the couch. And enjoy my own brain. And I wonder what it will be like after I've grown out of the baby-stage of motherhood. I imagine having TWO children who I can tuck into bed with a kiss and a prayer, and close the door, and walk away easy as pie. But I also imagine, that as wonderful and sleep-filled as those days will be, I'll probably desperately miss running up the stairs at the first signs of her restlessness, pulling her sweet little body close to mine, and feeling her little hand run up and down my arm in comfort.
Truly motherhood feels like an endless pull between nostalgia and longing. For the tiny tiny babies of my past and the grown children of my future. I think about my tiny little Everett of Virginia, and my heart literally hurts with nostalgia. I mean, what IS that? Will this every go away!? No, right? This is going to be me again, two years from now, desperately missing my tiny, squishy, fitful-sleeping Isla.

Enjoy it. Enjoy it. Enjoy it.

9 comments:

Isabell Williams said...

Lovely point you are making. It is really one of the greater challenges of motherhood, not only to be present- and to function. But also to avoid constantly longing for some other stage, some other time. It's taken me three years, but I'm starting to enjoy where we're at.

Such a joy that you are blogging again, it always makes my day!

Crissy Boss said...

My nursing one year old is definitely not sleeping through the night. I have nostalgia for my nursing one year olds who have slept through the night. Wait a minute... #nosuchthing.

Carla Lauti said...

Definitely ENJOY it!! I miss nursing my little one. I started drying out at about 9 months and felt just so sad about it! I can't wait for this next one to be born and nurse again. :)

Lindsey said...

You speak what I feel is on every mama's heart, especially ones who get the joy and exhaustion of being a stay at home mom. Enjoy that brain of yours and skip the shower, each time! haha.

CJ said...

I read this today while nursing my 11 month old...and right before that, was thinking, it's almost to an end. He's the youngest of three, spread apart with an 18 month, then a big 5 year, gap. You will miss, miss, miss these times. Your "between nostalgia and longing" for what the future brings is oh-so true! All those old ladies in the grocery stores are right: cherish these days, because they're gone in a blink.

arlene said...

Your posts about your babies always makes my eyes water. I'm past the baby stage (my kids are almost 7 and 3 almost 4 in January). I've found my heart hurting a little thinking how I won't ever hold them in my arms as squishy little chubby cheeked toddlers. The kind of cheeks that make you want to pinch them and plant juicy kisses on. My daughter still wants to be carried but feels so heavy and her body feels so long. You are such a gifted writer to be able to put into words how these moments of motherhood truly feel. Thank you!

Who is G? said...

Truth.

Helen Thompson said...

Go for a third! Haha! But seriously, I know exactly how you feel. When you are not completely overwhelmed or exhausted or crying, these baby moments are magic.
Helen XO
Les Petits Gazette

Nikki Glowicki said...

I love every single post your write. Posts like this really make me take a second to slow down and remember how fast it's all going. My daughter is 2 years old and sometimes I just wish she'd leave me alone for 5 minutes, but I know I'll miss the days when she wanted to be by my side all day long.

www.thislovelylifeblog.com

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