twenty-five today

Tuesday, December 31

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Last night at around midnight or one, Tyson rolled closer to my side of the bed and gave me a kiss.
"I can't wait until tomor ... oh, wait no it's already your birthday! Happy Birthday babe. Twenty-five!
Hang on, right there. This needs a picture."

I was studying that picture this morning. Self analyzing. Me at twenty-five. The girl in that picture is not wearing makeup, with her hair messy on top of a pillow. The corners of her eyes are wrinkled in a smile, laughing upwards. I could see my face in its total plainness. Every line and every corner. I think with every birthday that I've ever had, at least a small part of me, is checking a box. One year older, one year wiser. Right? I'm getting somewhere. I'm making progress. I'm allowed to drive now. I'm officially an adult. I got married this year. This year I got my degree. This year I had a baby. And I felt older as time went on and it was exciting. But looking at this picture, there it was. Not a mark of another year gone by. But my youth. Staring back at me barefaced. And I think for the first time, I realized that my birthday does not have to be significant to me. I don't have to be checking my "get older" box. This photo doesn't mark an age, but a time. A time that I'll look back on with fondness 50 years from now and say, look how young. There is a smile in my eyes. I look whole and I look plain and undone and I look happy.

Having a birthday on New Year's Eve is like getting to hit two refresh buttons at the same time. There's a new year. And a new year for me too. This year, I haven't made any new resolutions, and haven't really felt like making any either. Don't know that I will! Still trying to figure out what that means. But I think {hope} that I'm starting, just starting, to be better about being in the here and now. And learning to thrive in the day to day. And letting things come as they will. And if I want to do something, just doing it today. And not on, you know, a Monday or something. And I hope that doesn't come off as boastful, because I don't mean it to be. But that type of mindset has been a long time coming for me, and it feels really good.

So here it is! 2014 and year twenty-five! I'm excited about this one. Wishing a very very happy and healthy new year to all of you!!

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