resolution

Friday, January 4

And a very large picture of my face. Care to inspect my receding hairline?

I feel myself changing. Questioning. Discovering. Coming into my own. But slowly. IT'S SO PAINFULLY SLOW. I hate the phrase "finding yourself". It's so grossly cliche and illusive. But as annoying as it is, that's the hand of cards this last year seemed to have dealt me. It felt as if it came all at once. As if the questions and the self-discovery and internal push and pull of my early twenties was finally catching up with my "older" roles as wife and mother. I felt out of order. And I felt uncomfortable. A lot of times I had no idea how to blog through it. I wished I could revert back to the state of mind I was in when I started this blog. But not even that. {Oh how some of my old posts make me CRINGE} I wished that I could go back to the way I felt when I was coming to this space every day. It was easy. I knew my purpose. I felt comfortable in my skin. And the words just came out. This THING, self-discovery, finding yourself, whatever you wanna call it, has made me want to pull inward. I crave observance. I crave quiet, anonymous living. I want to bury myself in a little proverbial cocoon and only come out when I've become exactly who I want to be, down to the deliberately chosen color of the very smallest spot on my silly butterfly wings.

With as much push and pull as I've felt on the inside, equally matched are my feelings of happiness in this life that I've created for myself with my husband. And I like to focus on that, here, with all of you. But sometimes I come up empty-handed. And all I can feel is boiling change underneath the surface. What do you say when that happens? What words are there when you don't feel resolved? It's a job for a writer and a writer I am not. But passing it by doesn't seem fair to this time in my life. If there's documentation of anything, shouldn't it be a documentation of discovery? Of personal evolution?

I want 2013 to feel different. The questions and emotional stretching that come can scare me, but I need the challenge. I like how I feel when I come to a resolution ... when I listen to myself. I like who I am starting to become even though moving through it can feel like a real mess sometimes. I am in the thick of it. But maybe 2013 will be the year for writing the things I don't know how to write. For being more open and authentic. For getting comfortable in the uncomfortable.


Blogging is the weirdest sometimes.


8 Response to resolution

January 04, 2013 2:13 PM

I've been feeling this exact way lately. Birthdays always seem to make me reflect even more so... Moving to a new city that we know no one in adds to it (as you obviously know). Keep your head up. :)

January 04, 2013 2:30 PM

This is legit. Nothing like realizing...oh I'm an adult now, when did that happen...and then wait I'm 30? huh? hahaha!! It only gets better, not to worry!

Anonymous
January 06, 2013 11:59 PM

Hello to all, hоω is the wholе thing, I thіnk everу onе is gеttіng more from thiѕ web sіte, and уour views are pleasant for new vieweгs.
Also visit my website ; get twitter followers fast

January 07, 2013 12:48 PM

well said! gorgeous photo!!
xoxo

http://everydaybeginings.blogspot.com/

January 07, 2013 8:02 PM

I related so much to this post, especially as a mom who decided to have kids in her young 20's. This year especially, I've really been feeling this question of who am I and am I happy with what my life has become. The short answer is yes, ridiculously thankful, but the longer one is still hard to pin down. Know that others (me) are working through the questions too. Here's a quote I read recently that I love. Enjoy this journey.


"But I want first of all — in fact, as an end to these other desires — to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to my life that will enable me to carry out these obligations and activities as well as I can. I want, in fact — to borrow from the language of the saints — to live ‘in grace’ as much of the time as possible.”

Anne Morrow Lindbergh, Gift from the Sea

January 07, 2013 8:19 PM

I love having the chance to find yourself as an adult. I feel like you find yourself all over again every year and it feels amazing every time.

http://taleofusthree.blogspot.com

Anonymous
January 08, 2013 5:50 PM

Uѕe уour іmagination аnd let уour fingеrs /
palms do the reѕt. Some states stіll have
no lіcensing requirements? At the same time, іt's not hard to find a good massage school nowadays due to the demand in massage courses!!!

The aching muscles are also soothed-up??? An approachable person is someone you know you are comfortable with that is why that type of person is the best individual where you start your search. The first instruction to parents with children undergoing therapy for stuttering is to make their home as conducive to communication and speaking as possible. It promotes relaxation, reduces pain, boosts mood and mental clarity. I see the huge guys that need massage because their muscles are so hyper-tonic (chronically contracted), and at the opposite extreme, women over 40 that never worked out habitually throughout life and so their large back muscles and core muscles are weak, which causes low back or thoracic pain.

Also visit my blog: erotic massage london advance bookings line
Also see my web page :: erotic massage London

Anonymous
January 10, 2013 6:37 AM

We аbsolutеly loνe your blog
аnd find a lot of уouг ρost's to be just what I'm loοking for.
can you offer guest writеrs tо ωrite content for you
perѕonally? I wouldn't mind writing a post or elaborating on a lot of the subjects you write with regards to here. Again, awesome weblog!

Here is my site: vapornine
My site ; vapornine

the daybook All rights reserved © Blog Milk Design - Powered by Blogger