blerg

Monday, October 22

I was feeling a little down on my game today. For no good reason at all. Just something that happens occasionally when the only thing I've heard all day is my own voice conversing with a baby. That and the quiet. The mean quiet, that can so easily invite my self-doubts to the surface and believe every negative thing I've ever heard or thought about myself. The quiet that makes me feel as if I am incapable of beating the creeping feeling of loneliness away. It's silly, and self-indulgent and I'm ashamed of those feelings when I have so much to be grateful for in my life. But there they are, sitting in the silent corner, waiting for me to let them jump in my head and indulge.

What do I know about loneliness anyway? Nothing. With an extra eye-roll on top of that nothing for good measure. When I think of military wives and husbands, single mothers and fathers, orphaned children, those in nursing homes, and all the forms that human loneliness can embed itself in, my feelings are instantly invalidated in my mind. Laughable even. ha ha ha ha.

They were especially laughable today at the kitchen table, when I was sitting there next to Everett eating my sandwich, giving myself {yes, giving myself. It was a moment of CHOICE I'm telling you!} approximately 15 seconds to get whatever tears that needed to come out, OUT. I looked over at him, feeling totally ashamed of switching emotional gears so quickly in front of him, and there was his little face looking back at me. A little confusion in his eyes, but proudly wearing that big fake grin that he's been practicing so much lately. The one with his nose scrunched up and all his teeth showing. And I laughed. Zeroing in on my happy little dose of perspective, I could laugh at my moment of silliness. Then I grabbed that little boy and kissed him, apologizing to the confusion in his eyes for the wetness in mine.

There was also a laughable moment over the weekend, when Tyson was out of town, and somehow I managed to get myself a real nice case of the sicks. The short-lived but gross kind. Where you're so out of your mind with grossness that you're actually happy to be kneeling next to a toilet because it's so wonderfully cold. You're almost positive that you're dying. Almost 100% sure that you saw your will to live at the bottom of the porcelain. And your mind, in the diluted, pathetic state that it is, is hardly allowing you to do anything but throw your big-girl panties out the window. But it's the middle of the night, and you woke your sweet baby up so he needs to be put back to sleep. And as laughable and comparatively invalid as it may be, for one night, you feel the loneliness again.

But you know, that's just the wonderful thing about being a mama. Most of the time, there IS no time for indulgence in self-doubt and loneliness. Not when those two little hands are reaching over to share your saltine crackers with you.

8 Response to blerg

October 23, 2012 6:59 AM

This is beautiful. Beyond just the subject of it, your writing is wonderful. In a bit of a rut myself and this was comforting to read. The humbleness of it and the honesty really showed through. So thank you for that.

I hope you have a wonderful day.

October 23, 2012 4:24 PM

I definitely know the feeling. I'm only 19 and know I don't have any right to think I'm lonely. I've learned it's alright to cry it all out and just be sad for a minute. But what better way to cheer up a sad heart than your adorable boy!!

October 24, 2012 8:28 AM

i read this yesterday and it totally reflected my mood. im recently re-married and trying to fit my husband in with my 2 children has been very trying. its been even harder than we thought. i had a little crying session at lunch yesterday, i put on my big girl pants and i kicked the rest of the day in the a$$. as a woman, a mother, and someone who battles depression on a daily basis, i can become very overwhelmed with the rollercoaster of emotions that come every day. i try to focus my energy towards the positive, pray (HARD), and breathe. i have to remind myself that its a bad day, not a bad life! god is great and he pulls me though! life is a constant battle and its hard , so hard, to be strong all the time. we all have to let down the barriers and allow the tears to flow. then we can get back into life with both sleeves rolled up and LIVE!!! today, as always, is a better day and im even more thankful for the positives and blessings in my life.

October 24, 2012 10:42 AM

What a sincerely beautiful moment you had with you little one . Thank-you for the inspiring words!

October 24, 2012 10:43 AM
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October 24, 2012 10:43 AM
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October 24, 2012 2:35 PM

I can totally relate to this post. I'm a college student and there have been MANY times I have felt super lonely and asked myself why? I have it so much better off in the loneliness departament. Thanks for sharing! That sweater and jean color combo is awesome and I wouldn't have thought so!

Anonymous
October 28, 2012 7:03 AM

Thanks for sharing. Love your blog.

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