this is a post about losing it

Monday, May 16

Sometimes there are moments. Involving sweat. And being covered in children who are whining and tired and asking five different things from you at the same time. And there are no arms left, no time left and no patience left. And while in the middle of counting backwards from 10, you're not sure, but you THINK you hear your own mother's scarily calm and measured staccato voice, exit YOUR body, and you know the exact sensation that is sinking into the air around your children, which is essentially: shut it down, shut everything down, retreat, retreaaaaaaaat. And then comes that miserable feeling, when in the exact moment you lose your parental cool, you also have a vivid flashback to being the child on the other end of that lost cool, and there's nothing you can do about it. Your human hath prevailed. And it really did it this time. Your tired, and red-faced, tear-stained 4-year-old throws your own words back in your face, yelling, "THAT IS NOT NICE MAMA!! YOU NEED TO SAY SORRY RIGHT NOW!!"
And that is how we ended our trip to the park today.
And the man in the parked car next to us was there for the wholeeeee thing.

I was telling Tyson (who is on a business trip for a couple weeks right now. P.S. thanks love, for this beautiful picture of Vermont to distract us from this story about me yelling at our kids!) about it over FaceTime tonight. And how I didn't realize that anyone was sitting there watching us until AFTER we were all frustrated and red in the face. I happened to look over into his car and met the guy's eyes for a brief second before he quickly looked away, pretending to be engrossed in his phone, and suddenly I was THAT mom caught in THAT moment. Part of me sank right into the ground, while simultaneously deciding if next, I'd like to be smashed under a pile of rocks, a ton of bricks, or a piano falling from the sky. But the other part of me imagined flipping him the bird just to really complete the image for him.

So I was telling Tyson all this tonight, kind of sitting in front of my phone, eating a bowl of cereal and crying about this and other things and being a general joy to talk to. And while we talked, we texted pictures back and forth of our day to each other. I texted him a picture of Everett half sliding off his bed while sound asleep, and of Isla wearing a new sunhat, and he sent me pictures of purple sunsets and old eastern churches that reminded him of our town in Virginia. And it was cathartic. And my guilt was bandaged and soothed and I was suddenly prepped to go back into our room and take on another night without him.

And I don't know what the point of writing all this here is. Other than the fact that all the beautiful pictures on Instagram were annoying me tonight, and made me want to write about how I lost it today. So, cheers.

the oregon coast!!

Wednesday, May 4

Now that it's been eight and a half years since we took our giant family trip to the Oregon coast, I figured that I should probably post about it now. If I had any sense of blogging decency, I would break this up into, I don't know, at least three different posts. But since I don't, we're just gonna do this all in one take and scroll until our fingers break. Shhh, it's better this way.

So, Oregon. We completely fell in love with the place. The moody and rainy greens, blues and greys that made up some of the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen. We stayed in Lincoln City and shared a home (which I'm totally going to go back and buy someday when I'm like, super rich) that was in the coziest neighborhood and just a short walk to an incredible cliff-side beach.
P.S. you can find the listing here, if you're ever going to be in the area
There were several changes of clothes on this trip. Shortly after this picture was taken, there was an instant rise in the tide, so we picked up as many kids as we could carry and ran for our lives, but poor Eme, Everett's little cousin, ended up getting completely bowled over and soaked. The lack of pictures for that moment in the family scrapbook is truly unfortunate ;)
And Isla's initial reaction to the ocean can be seen here:
Let's bring that in a little tighter.
Perfect.
Everett outgrew his favorite little yellow rain boots and so we thought we could recycle them down to Isla for this trip, but they ended up being a HAIR too big haha, so we put her little moccasins on and THEN the rain boots, and she worked it out. Little trooper. 
All of these pictures almost feel tragic because they SHOULD be about the size of your entire computer screen to guarantee that at least a little bit of the good salty vibes come through. But we'll pretend 550 pixels is enough.
She had her initial judgements about the ocean, but this was Isla's first joyful moments with sand. A far cry from Everett's first experience (still one of my favorite memories ever haha)
Driving through the entire state looked just like this. It was almost like experiencing the feelings you get while watching a kitchen scene from a Nancy Meyers movie. You're suddenly, completely sure that at some point your life must've taken a wrong turn because ACTUALLY, you belong right smack dab in the middle of this place instead, and it is, in fact, your essence.
We drove by this giant air museum and a picture will just never do it justice, but I have to post it anyway. Biggest hangar I've ever seen, you can fit eight (8!!) blimps in it!!
While we were there, we drove a little ways over to the Tillamook cheese factory to basically partake of their ice cream
because look at those flavors. 
Well, squint.
On the way back to the house, we stopped at this side street farmer's market to pick up some artichokes, and attached to the back of it was this little greenhouse. I snuck inside just as the clouds opened and it started to pour, but the air was so warm and I remember standing completely alone for a solid 3 minutes and just listening to the hard patter on the roof and smelling the green. 
And that is how I survived another hour in the car with my kids.
Here we have Dave doing his first oyster shooter
My sentiments as well.
Us on the beach after lunch. Wait for it.
My sister's photobombing skills: 10 out of 10, would recommend.
Everett in the middle of beating me in a race to the sand.
And this is that incredible cliffside beach that I was talking about earlier, that's a short walk from the house. It took my breath away every time.
And our afternoons and evenings running around on it together with kites and bare feet will forever be painted in my mind in golden hues.
A little peek into the neighborhood where we stayed. CAN YOU SMELL THE SALT.
On one of the mornings we were there, we decided to go whale watching. While Everett and I were standing by the waves, waiting for our time to board, I was excitedly telling him about the boat because I was sure that he was going to absolutely love the opportunity to ride on one. Instead he says to me, "Nope. Last time we were on a boat, you were screaming mama and that made me feel very mad at you." And he was totally right. I did, in fact, scream a little on this boat when we were in the middle of being pelted under the Niagara Falls, but I could not believe that he remembered it! I mean, he was TWO. 
And so, to make up for this memory, which I have apparently scarred my child with, I swore with solemn oath that I would not scream, not even a little, and he agreed to board.
Here was our fishing boat. Mr Max was his name.
We ended up seeing only the very top of a whales back and some of us got sick, but it was still totally worth it. If only to gain a stronger appreciation for dry land.
See, this is the kind of thing I'm talking about. Please imagine that the picture below is the size of your entire computer screen. Absorb it's essence. Relax into your zen place. Slowly fall asleep at your desk to the imaginary sound of its waves.
Siblings holding hands on a walk and finding these life-changing sea salted dark chocolate camels again, is what I'm currently living for
This next set of photos was from our last evening on the beach together and it was a truly sweet one.
Dem giant boots! And that angel face.

IN CONCLUSION (congrats you made it) here are a few more photos of some very majestic falls that are not being portrayed nearly majestic enough.
Oregon we love you too much. Your beauty knows no bounds, and you'll forever be a placeholder for some of our favorite memories.

Thank you for joining me on this trip down memory lane, aaaaand goodnight.
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